back with some random rambling about all that is not perfect in the world. Pape pon, post kali ni akan di-melayu-kan, so rasa nya Manglish la banyak kot. Can’t help it, otak aku memang berfikir guna bahasa omputih nak wat camne, besides, I don’t expect Mark Zuckerberg baca pon semua ni. Kenapa mark zuckerberg? Siapa mark zuckerberg? If I have to answer any that second question for you then elok ko gi balik je la bawah batu mana yang ko dok selama ni. Shuh shuh!
For the first question, kenapa mark zuckerberg? Haaa, that I can answer. Sebabnyeeee, aku nak menulis pasal facebook le. Ala facebook yang gitu2 yang korang bukak hari-hari untuk stalk kawan2 korang tu. Eceh buat2 tak taw plak, padahal sambil korg baca ni fb korg bukak kat tab lagi satu kan? Haha. Anyways, aku bukanlah seorang facebooker yang tegar, aku check pun ada la around 2 or 3 times per week. Kalau ada internet, aku prefer online games dari facebook.
Sungguhpun aku jarang meng-fb-kan diri, aku tetap merasakan fb ni sangat annoying. Anytime je dia akan tukar, layout, settings dan sebagainya. Brape kali nak kena adapt balik. Chat kat tepi tu dulu da elok skang da mcm hape da -_- tak faham aku. And coming soon.. the Timeline. Brace yourselves. Dah la facebook ni annoying, makhluk2 yang gune fb nip on boleh tahan gak. Salah satu perkara yang favebookers suka buat bila fb tukar pape adalah… COMPLAIN. Complain kat mana tu ekk? Depa hanta surat kat fb ke? Hanta report ke? Oh tidak sama sekali, dorang complain kat mana taw. Nak taw ka? Haaa ni aku btaw. Dorg complain dekat.. WALL. DORANG. SENDIRI. Seriously people, what the fusch? Tiga hari tiga malam tak habis ngomplen, cakap yang baru tak best la, kutuk fb la.
For people like this I have a catchy phrase universally translated into SHUT THE FUCK UP! It should be obvious by now that the people behind facebook don’t give a flying fuck what you have to say on your wall. Whatever changes yang dia buat is here for fucking good, so suck it up and move on! Haha best nya aku cakap sedemikian. (now to make sure my facebook friends read this post, or the above paragraph at least)
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| kan aku da kena balik -_- |
So moving on, here is a list I compiled of things that really need to end on facebook. (or not, it’s not a perfect world ): )
Keep in mind that this list tak mengikut turutan apa pun. Random je. What people find annoying varies from one person to the next.
Nombor satu! ‘Who to subscribe to’. Always there on the right hand side of the page akan ada sekumpulan orang yang FB syorkan untuk korang subscribe. What is this shit? Aku kenal pon tak orang yang ko pamerkan nie!? And I couldn’t help but notice that most (if not all) the profile pictures of the people I (apparently) should be subscribing to depict awek2 cun, ada yang berbaju ada yang tak, ada yang gamba boobs je and mostly nye very err.. well-endowed where it matters (if you know what I mean). Okay before any of you ‘cop’ me gatal or pervert in all the languages available in the semenanjung and west Malaysia, I must clarify that I’m a DUDE! Ye la maybe ada la bukak satu or dua intai2 skit. Hey that’s what we guys do, and kalau nak salahkan sape2, salahkan la team FB sebab letak gmbar2 tu kat situ in the first place.
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| you have this too. and you have clicked. hoho |
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| yang ini versi zoom. see the kinds of people fb wants me to subscribe to? |
Daaan, nak dijadikan cerita, ada sekali tu aku bukak la satu yang terpampang kat tepi tu. Why? That is not the issue. After several picture browsing, turns out the ‘chick’ I was checking out, IS A GUY! With BOOBS!! I was like, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!? Thank you facebook for giving me an eternal emotional scar. After an ordeal like that, you just can’t look at boobs the same man. (not that I look at them in the first place. Ehem) just curious, I know what kinds of people facebook tells guys to subscribe to.
What about the girls? Korang dapat daily dose of underwear-models, muka-licin-dudes and gay-hairless-chests ke? Just curious. Nothing more.
Next. ‘the LIKE beggars’.
Apa itu like beggars? Haaaa, beggar itu artinya pengemis. Soooo… like beggars adalah orang yang akan muncul memintak korang mengelike sesuatu. Selalunya ada laa gamba dia yang mungkin lebih seksi dari biasa ke, pertandingan gmbar baby comel kawan dia punya adik punya boyfriend punya sepupu punya anak ke. Things along those line la. Kalau friends yang memang regularly interact dengan kita okay berakal la jugak lagi nak layan. Ni kadang2 yang suruh like ni, ntah mamat random mana ntah yang kite tak pernah nak taw n camne die boleh ada kat friends list pun kite tak ingat. Dah la aku tak kenal kau, tak pena bertegur sapa pun, tiba2 muncul “hey can you like this pic please. It’s a pic of my baby crocodile. Thanks”. Seriously? kau tak malu ke? Have you No. Fucking. Shame!?
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| sebagai contoh |
Ada jugak yang tak cukup dengan like, nak kena comment pula. ‘weh comment la kat post aku. Please please!’ and why exactly should I comment on your stupid post? What should I fucking say anyways? And to people yang sukaaaa sangat keluarkan ungkapan berbaur sebegini “eh, takkan like aje?” aku nak cakap ni. BITCH PLEASE, aku ‘like aje’ because it got my attention but I have nothing to say about it! Nak kena comment apa? Mohd Izhar likes this!?
Seterusnya, budak-budak HOT. I’m sure we’ve all seen this kind of makhluks. Probability untuk spesis sebegini ada dalam friends korang adalah agak tinggi. Lebih2 lagi bagi yang lelaki. Berikut adalah cara mengenal pasti Hot-hot facebook (applies to myspace and whatever social networks still in use as well)
1. Syarat utama n paling wajib: kena la cantik, cun, comel or senang cite HOT
2. album profile picture sahaja ada beratus-ratus gambar. (gambar dia la obviously) kebanyakan hot2 akan duduk dalam bilik or mana2 n amek self-shot gune laptop or handphone. Ada yang lebih berkelas aka nada photographer tolong amekkan. Kunun2nya ala model la gitttewwww
3. friends ada MINIMUM 3000. Bukan tiga ratus ye adik2. Tiga RIBU (who the hell has that many friends in real life anyway?)
4. multiple accounts. Artiny ada banyak akaun la. Cth: Shaye Shumell then 2nd account plak Shaye Shumell II. And lazimnya kat first account tu akan tertera msg seperti berikut:’ sorry akaun ni dah full. Please add my 2nd account Shaye Shumell II. Do add do talk okay.’ Well, all I gotta say to that is, please go to hell (not literally of course)
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| contoh lagi |
What I don’t unsderstand about these hotsters is, what the fuck is with the friend collecting? Kawan yang korang actually kenal in real life, assuming korang ada 5000 kawan fb, tak sampai 20% (rough guess) pun. So kenapa? Motif? Hobi ke? Macam kumpul setem, tapi bezanya korang kumpul kawan? Ke untuk kebanggaan? Ke nak kejar likes n comments? Kalau nak kejar like tu mmg success la. Setiap gmba korang upload sure ada at least beratus like punya. Then bila orang comment puji keluar la ayat2 klasik “thanks dear”, “u pon cute jugak” etc etc. that is so fucking fake man! Are you really that desperate sampai kena dapat pengiktirafan setiap hari dari strangers on fb yang korang ni cantik? Yang korang ni hot? Is your self-esteem really that low? You should get some counseling -_- and ada sesetengah bila da ada multiple account, mula la menggediks. Contoh: Shaye Shumell is married to Shaye Shumell II. Apa kebodohan tahap dewa yang ko pamerkan ni? That is just too fucking sad dohh! Menunjukkan lonely nye kau ni secara hakikatnya. Quit hiding behind your edited profile pictures and thousands of friends. Get out, get a life, find real friends.
Okay last on the topic of hotsters. Ada yang, maybe teringin sangat la kot, orang like/comment pics (aku boleh assume je sebab aku tak dapat rungkai psikologi budak2 hot. Lol) smpai amek gamba yang mak aih! Panas! Meletop! Da bomb! Ditayangnye segala celah, belah dengan megah sampai yang tengok pun lelah. According to my extensive research (konon) gamba yang sebegini lah yang paling banyak dapat like/comment dan most (if not all) pastinya dari kaum lelaki. Ye la, lelaki kan gatal. Kekeke. Ada jugak yang konon konservatif sikit, tang celah2 tu nanti die edit la bagi blur pastu letak perkataan ‘CENSORED’. Rasa nak karate chop je kepala orang cengginie. Sebab dia censored eh, tak la gurau je. Tak ke dari ko amek gambo ada harta wanita ko tu pastu ko nak censored (kunun) baik ko amek gamba takyah include je dorg tu terus? Kalau besar sangat sampai ko payah nak bajet ada satu benda alah tu nama die CROP! Ko CROP je kemba ko tu keluar dari gamba senang cite.
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| sekadar contoh. muke tu aku yang hitamkan -_- kalau dia post gambar siap censor muka tak aneh plak |
Then of course akan ada jejanz yang gatal miang gitteewww akan menggatal la dengan ko. Sebab gmba ko tu umpama umpan yang memancing ikan2 gatal. Kemudian ko pula akan post status berbaur begini ‘eee benci la lelaki gatal. Lelaki semua sama je taw nak gatal je’ (or lebih kurang camni la) kunun2nye ko tu innocent la. Jiwa yang putis suci berseri diganggu oleh jantan lahanat yang hatinya dikuasai syaitan. Well bitch, I got news for you, majority makhluk dalam friends list ko tu lelaki. Dan majority dari lelaki tu adalah lelaki gatal yang add ko sebab kop on post gambar2 gatal. So bagaikan ayam dicampakkan dedak, mereka pun berkerumun la nakkan lagi gamba2 gatal ko. Logical thinking, try it sometime. J
Lagi. Up To Minute Updates. Artinya, selang beberapa minit dia update status fb dia. It’s fucking annoying! Mostly smartphone users are guilty of this. Kadang2 keluar gi mana then mula la update merepek. ‘Nak keluar pergi Pasar Malam. YAY!’ after 2 minutes ‘Dah sampai Pasar Malam. Ramainya owang’ seminit kemudian ‘OMG abg jual aiskim potong ni handsome sangat! Muka ala2 faizal taher!’ 5 minutes later ‘gurl jalan depan aku ni bitch sangat. Nampak G-string kot!’ dan sterusnya dan seterusnya…
Kalau season bola lagi aku tensen. ‘Yay Malaysia dah skor satu!’ semenet setengah kemudian ‘apa ni ref? main kasar kot kad merah la!’ 3 menet ‘Awww skor dah seri. Kemon Malaysia you can do it’ 5 menet kemudian ‘Cantik nazri pass kat Sapi pastu dia shoot. Slack ar kena tiang’ dan seterusnya dan seterusnya. Simply said, dah macam ada commentator bola dah kat news feed aku. Do you have any idea how fucking annoying that is? News for you dumbos, the people who actually gives a shit about all that commentating you just did, are probably already watching the game? Ever thought of that? The people who are on facebook while the game is on, DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!
If you do insist on updating every few seconds, there’s an acceptable place for that. It’s called TWITTER. Look It up.
Next: retard language. Applies only to malays (kot). It seems that adding ‘W’ to the end of every word have become socially acceptable and idiots are taking it even further. Attached is an example.
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| sekadar ilustrasi |
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| ni lagi retarded |
What kind of stupid god-forsaken spelling are you fools inventing this time? Do they teach you that at school? Masa zaman aku, semua perkataan dipendekkan which is logical la sebab nak save space masa SMS. Ni perkataan pendek macam AKU jadi AKUWH? That’s an extra TWO fucking letters. Do you actually say it that way? Ada bunyi H kat blakang? Damn people just keep getting more n more retarded.
For people who choose to post in English. Please please please pretty please, at least spell check what you are writing before posting. I know you think, posting in English makes you seem more intelligent or something, but sometimes, it makes you look really stupid. It’s the age of the fucking internet. You can make NO excuses. Just fucking type something into google and it will spellcheck AND correct your grammar. GIOF (Google Is Our Friend) remember that. Aaaaand, if you really got something to say, why English anyways?
Complaining. Everyone does it all the time. On facebook. why? I sure as hell don’t fucking know why! What good comes from complaining on Facebook? nothing as far as I can see. ‘Celaka punya bos suruh aku buat kerja banyak’ that’s what you’re fucking paid for! ‘aaah kenapa jam ni? Aku penat nak balik kerja ni’ sume orang otak macam kau, semua bawak kete tu la jam bodoh! And ko fikir ko sorang je penat balik keje? Zzzz. Most of the time, nobody even gives a fuck about what you’re complaining so just.. just… I don’t know what people like you should do. Shut up sounds good though.
Next, the no-name-mentioned argument. Apakebendanya nie? Haaa, ni la namanya bila ada dua pihak bertelagah dan terbawa2 ke facebook. post status kutuk macam2 tapi, haaaaa… nama mana2 pihak tak disebut. Macam biar orang tu terasa sendiri je la, kononya tak maw la nak malukan orang tu. KONONnya, padahal kawan2 semua dah taw dah ko tengah cite pasal sape. Tanak malukan kunun. Di bawah adalah cuntuh.
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| seeebagai contoh. |
Hah dah kutuk bukan main rangup meletup2 tapi bila diajak berkonfrontasi takmaw plak. Terus kecut balik. Sooo… jangan la jadi bodoh. Gaduh2 kat facebook bukan dapat apa pon? Menang hangus kalah renting gak. Membazir masa dan tenaga emosi serta daya kreativiti je. Ye la, nak reka ayat yang baek punye bagi budak tu terasa tapi taknak kantoi sangat. Kan kena kreatif tu. Hahaha :D kalau ada masalah, jumpa la secara berdepan. Boleh selesai. Dari update status pastu tunggu bertaun orang tu nak balas balik. Sampai aku ada cucu tak habis gamaknya.
Next: Tags. Tagging is the single most misused power on facebook. many are not aware that with great tagging power, comes great tagging responsibility. Some people get annoyed when people tag ugly pictures of them. Aku takkan cite pasal tu sebab aku tak kisah pun. How you look in pictures is how you look in real life. Deal with it. Aku nak cite pasal tagging dari segi lain. Status updates, applications dan sebagainya. Ada yang post status pasal tah pape, pastu tag sekali nama aku. Walhal status itu tidak berkaitan langsung dengan aku. Kalau ada memang benda itu ada kena mengena atau menarik aku boleh aje. Pastu yang kaki guna apps bodoh kat fb yang secara automatic akan tag aku kat gambar2 dia. Contohnya, ‘Siapa teman terbaik anda?’ ‘Top stalkers’ ‘Bila anda akan berkahwin?’ ‘Siapakah watak anda dalam majalah Mastika?’. Semak la! Ok tu je, nothing much to say bout this anyway.
Facebook gamers. I will summarize this topic into # sentences.
NO THANK YOU
I don’t give a fuck about your menu on restaurant city
I give zero shit about your empire being attacked in Empires & Allies
I would NOT like you as my neighbor in Sim Social
I couldn’t care less that your crops are withering on Farmville
I would kill myself before I give you chips in Texas Hold’em Poker
So please fucking stop sending me invites!!
Sooo, that is, I think, about all for now. And yes, aku tahu, hak individu. Aku saja je nak merepek untuk melepaskan apa yang terbuku di dada. Perkara2 di atas akan tetap berlaku. *long sigh*
disclaimers: terasa? not my problem.
*all pictures courtesy of google images and 9gag
**memang ada kena mengena dengan yang hidup
