Benda-benda yang annoying di Facebook aku (dan korang sekali)

back with some random rambling about all that is not perfect in the world. Pape pon, post kali ni akan di-melayu-kan, so rasa nya Manglish la banyak kot. Can’t help it, otak aku memang berfikir guna bahasa omputih nak wat camne, besides, I don’t expect Mark Zuckerberg baca pon semua ni. Kenapa mark zuckerberg? Siapa mark zuckerberg? If I have to answer any that second question for you then elok ko gi balik je la bawah batu mana yang ko dok selama ni. Shuh shuh!

For the first question, kenapa mark zuckerberg? Haaa, that I can answer. Sebabnyeeee, aku nak menulis pasal facebook le. Ala facebook yang gitu2 yang korang bukak hari-hari untuk stalk kawan2 korang tu. Eceh buat2 tak taw plak, padahal sambil korg baca ni fb korg bukak kat tab lagi satu kan? Haha. Anyways, aku bukanlah seorang facebooker yang tegar, aku check pun ada la around 2 or 3 times per week. Kalau ada internet, aku prefer online games dari facebook.

                

Sungguhpun aku jarang meng-fb-kan diri, aku tetap merasakan fb ni sangat annoying. Anytime je dia akan tukar, layout, settings dan sebagainya. Brape kali nak kena adapt balik. Chat kat tepi tu dulu da elok skang da mcm hape da -_- tak faham aku. And coming soon.. the Timeline. Brace yourselves. Dah la facebook ni annoying, makhluk2 yang gune fb nip on boleh tahan gak. Salah satu perkara yang favebookers suka buat bila fb tukar pape adalah… COMPLAIN. Complain kat mana tu ekk? Depa hanta surat kat fb ke? Hanta report ke? Oh tidak sama sekali, dorang complain kat mana taw. Nak taw ka? Haaa ni aku btaw. Dorg complain dekat.. WALL. DORANG. SENDIRI. Seriously people, what the fusch? Tiga hari tiga malam tak habis ngomplen, cakap yang baru tak best la, kutuk fb la. 

For people like this I have a catchy phrase universally translated into SHUT THE FUCK UP! It should be obvious by now that the people behind facebook don’t give a flying fuck what you have to say on your wall. Whatever changes yang dia buat is here for fucking good, so suck it up and move on! Haha best nya aku cakap sedemikian. (now to make sure my facebook friends read this post, or the above paragraph at least)

  

kan aku da kena balik -_-

              So moving on, here is a list I compiled of things that really need to end on facebook. (or not, it’s not a perfect world ): )

Keep in mind that this list tak mengikut turutan apa pun. Random je. What people find annoying varies from one person to the next.

               

Nombor satu! ‘Who to subscribe to’. Always there on the right hand side of the page akan ada sekumpulan orang yang FB syorkan untuk korang subscribe. What is this shit? Aku kenal pon tak orang yang ko pamerkan nie!? And I couldn’t help but notice that most (if not all) the profile pictures of the people I (apparently) should be subscribing to depict awek2 cun, ada yang berbaju ada yang tak, ada yang gamba boobs je and mostly nye very err.. well-endowed where it matters (if you know what I mean). Okay before any of you ‘cop’ me gatal or pervert in all the languages available in the semenanjung and west Malaysia, I must clarify that I’m a DUDE! Ye la maybe ada la bukak satu or dua intai2 skit. Hey that’s what we guys do, and kalau nak salahkan sape2, salahkan la team FB sebab letak gmbar2 tu kat situ in the first place. 

you have this too. and you have clicked. hoho

yang ini versi zoom. see the kinds of people fb wants me to subscribe to?

Daaan, nak dijadikan cerita, ada sekali tu aku bukak la satu yang terpampang kat tepi tu. Why? That is not the issue. After several picture browsing, turns out the ‘chick’ I was checking out, IS A GUY! With BOOBS!! I was like, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!? Thank you facebook for giving me an eternal emotional scar. After an ordeal like that, you just can’t look at boobs the same man. (not that I look at them in the first place. Ehem) just curious, I know what kinds of people facebook tells guys to subscribe to. 

What about the girls? Korang dapat daily dose of underwear-models, muka-licin-dudes and gay-hairless-chests ke? Just curious. Nothing more.

                Next. ‘the LIKE beggars’.

 Apa itu like beggars? Haaaa, beggar itu artinya pengemis. Soooo… like beggars adalah orang yang akan muncul memintak korang mengelike sesuatu. Selalunya ada laa gamba dia yang mungkin lebih seksi dari biasa ke, pertandingan gmbar baby comel kawan dia punya adik punya boyfriend punya sepupu punya anak ke. Things along those line la. Kalau friends yang memang regularly interact dengan kita okay berakal la jugak lagi nak layan. Ni kadang2 yang suruh like ni, ntah mamat random mana ntah yang kite tak pernah nak taw n camne die boleh ada kat friends list pun kite tak ingat. Dah la aku tak kenal kau, tak pena bertegur sapa pun, tiba2 muncul “hey can you like this pic please. It’s a pic of my baby crocodile. Thanks”. Seriously? kau tak malu ke? Have you No. Fucking. Shame!?

sebagai contoh

 Ada jugak yang tak cukup dengan like, nak kena comment pula. ‘weh comment la kat post aku. Please please!’ and why exactly should I comment on your stupid post? What should I fucking say anyways? And to people yang sukaaaa sangat keluarkan ungkapan berbaur sebegini “eh, takkan like aje?” aku nak cakap ni. BITCH PLEASE, aku ‘like aje’ because it got my attention but I have nothing to say about it! Nak kena comment apa? Mohd Izhar likes this!?

              

  Seterusnya, budak-budak HOT. I’m sure we’ve all seen this kind of makhluks. Probability untuk spesis sebegini ada dalam friends korang adalah agak tinggi. Lebih2 lagi bagi yang lelaki. Berikut adalah cara mengenal pasti Hot-hot facebook (applies to myspace and whatever social networks still in use as well) 

1. Syarat utama n paling wajib: kena la cantik, cun, comel or senang cite HOT

2. album profile picture sahaja ada beratus-ratus gambar. (gambar dia la obviously) kebanyakan hot2 akan duduk dalam bilik or mana2 n amek self-shot gune laptop or handphone. Ada yang lebih berkelas aka nada photographer tolong amekkan. Kunun2nya ala model la gitttewwww

3. friends ada MINIMUM 3000. Bukan tiga ratus ye adik2. Tiga RIBU (who the hell has that many friends in real life anyway?)

4. multiple accounts. Artiny ada banyak akaun la. Cth: Shaye Shumell then 2^nd account plak Shaye Shumell II. And lazimnya kat first account tu akan tertera msg seperti berikut:’ sorry akaun ni dah full. Please add my 2^nd account Shaye Shumell II. Do add do talk okay.’ Well, all I gotta say to that is, please go to hell (not literally of course)

                

contoh lagi

What I don’t unsderstand about these hotsters is, what the fuck is with the friend collecting? Kawan yang korang actually kenal in real life, assuming korang ada 5000 kawan fb, tak sampai 20% (rough guess) pun. So kenapa? Motif? Hobi ke? Macam kumpul setem, tapi bezanya korang kumpul kawan? Ke untuk kebanggaan? Ke nak kejar likes n comments? Kalau nak kejar like tu mmg success la. Setiap gmba korang upload sure ada at least beratus like punya. Then bila orang comment puji keluar la ayat2 klasik “thanks dear”, “u pon cute jugak” etc etc. that is so fucking fake man! Are you really that desperate sampai kena dapat pengiktirafan setiap hari dari strangers on fb yang korang ni cantik? Yang korang ni hot? Is your self-esteem really that low? You should get some counseling -_- and ada sesetengah bila da ada multiple account, mula la menggediks. Contoh: Shaye Shumell is married to Shaye Shumell II. Apa kebodohan tahap dewa yang ko pamerkan ni? That is just too fucking sad dohh! Menunjukkan lonely nye kau ni secara hakikatnya. Quit hiding behind your edited profile pictures and thousands of friends. Get out, get a life, find real friends.

                Okay last on the topic of hotsters. Ada yang, maybe teringin sangat la kot, orang like/comment pics (aku boleh assume je sebab aku tak dapat rungkai psikologi budak2 hot. Lol) smpai amek gamba yang mak aih! Panas! Meletop! Da bomb! Ditayangnye segala celah, belah dengan megah sampai yang tengok pun lelah. According to my extensive research (konon) gamba yang sebegini lah yang paling banyak dapat like/comment dan most (if not all) pastinya dari kaum lelaki. Ye la, lelaki kan gatal. Kekeke. Ada jugak yang konon konservatif sikit, tang celah2 tu nanti die edit la bagi blur pastu letak perkataan ‘CENSORED’. Rasa nak karate chop je kepala orang cengginie. Sebab dia censored eh, tak la gurau je. Tak ke dari ko amek gambo ada harta wanita ko tu pastu ko nak censored (kunun) baik ko amek gamba takyah include je dorg tu terus? Kalau besar sangat sampai ko payah nak bajet ada satu benda alah tu nama die CROP! Ko CROP je kemba ko tu keluar dari gamba senang cite.

sekadar contoh. muke tu aku yang hitamkan -_-
kalau dia post gambar siap censor muka tak aneh plak

 Then of course akan ada jejanz yang gatal miang gitteewww akan menggatal la dengan ko. Sebab gmba ko tu umpama umpan yang memancing ikan2 gatal. Kemudian ko pula akan post status berbaur begini ‘eee benci la lelaki gatal. Lelaki semua sama je taw nak gatal je’ (or lebih kurang camni la) kunun2nye ko tu innocent la. Jiwa yang putis suci berseri diganggu oleh jantan lahanat yang hatinya dikuasai syaitan. Well bitch, I got news for you, majority makhluk dalam friends list ko tu lelaki. Dan majority dari lelaki tu adalah lelaki gatal yang add ko sebab kop on post gambar2 gatal. So bagaikan ayam dicampakkan dedak, mereka pun berkerumun la nakkan lagi gamba2 gatal ko. Logical thinking, try it sometime. J

                

Lagi. Up To Minute Updates. Artinya, selang beberapa minit dia update status fb dia. It’s fucking annoying! Mostly smartphone users are guilty of this. Kadang2 keluar gi mana then mula la update merepek. ‘Nak keluar pergi Pasar Malam. YAY!’ after 2 minutes ‘Dah sampai Pasar Malam. Ramainya owang’ seminit kemudian ‘OMG abg jual aiskim potong ni handsome sangat! Muka ala2 faizal taher!’ 5 minutes later ‘gurl jalan depan aku ni bitch sangat. Nampak G-string kot!’ dan sterusnya dan seterusnya…

                Kalau season bola lagi aku tensen. ‘Yay Malaysia dah skor satu!’ semenet setengah kemudian ‘apa ni ref? main kasar kot kad merah la!’ 3 menet ‘Awww skor dah seri. Kemon Malaysia you can do it’ 5 menet kemudian ‘Cantik nazri pass kat Sapi pastu dia shoot. Slack ar kena tiang’ dan seterusnya dan seterusnya. Simply said, dah macam ada commentator bola dah kat news feed aku. Do you have any idea how fucking annoying that is? News for you dumbos, the people who actually gives a shit about all that commentating you just did, are probably already watching the game? Ever thought of that? The people who are on facebook while the game is on, DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

If you do insist on updating every few seconds, there’s an acceptable place for that. It’s called TWITTER. Look It up.

                

Next: retard language. Applies only to malays (kot). It seems that adding ‘W’ to the end of every word have become socially acceptable and idiots are taking it even further. Attached is an example.

sekadar ilustrasi

ni lagi retarded

What kind of stupid god-forsaken spelling are you fools inventing this time? Do they teach you that at school? Masa zaman aku, semua perkataan dipendekkan which is logical la sebab nak save space masa SMS. Ni perkataan pendek macam AKU jadi AKUWH? That’s an extra TWO fucking letters. Do you actually say it that way? Ada bunyi H kat blakang? Damn people just keep getting more n more retarded.

For people who choose to post in English. Please please please pretty please, at least spell check what you are writing before posting. I know you think, posting in English makes you seem more intelligent or something, but sometimes, it makes you look really stupid. It’s the age of the fucking internet. You can make NO excuses. Just fucking type something into google and it will spellcheck AND correct your grammar. GIOF (Google Is Our Friend) remember that. Aaaaand, if you really got something to say, why English anyways?

              

  Complaining. Everyone does it all the time. On facebook. why? I sure as hell don’t fucking know why! What good comes from complaining on Facebook? nothing as far as I can see. ‘Celaka punya bos suruh aku buat kerja banyak’ that’s what you’re fucking paid for! ‘aaah kenapa jam ni? Aku penat nak balik kerja ni’ sume orang otak macam kau, semua bawak kete tu la jam bodoh! And ko fikir ko sorang je penat balik keje? Zzzz. Most of the time, nobody even gives a fuck about what you’re complaining so just.. just… I don’t know what people like you should do. Shut up sounds good though.

               

                

Next, the no-name-mentioned argument. Apakebendanya nie? Haaa, ni la namanya bila ada dua pihak bertelagah dan terbawa2 ke facebook. post status kutuk macam2 tapi, haaaaa… nama mana2 pihak tak disebut. Macam biar orang tu terasa sendiri je la, kononya tak maw la nak malukan orang tu. KONONnya, padahal kawan2 semua dah taw dah ko tengah cite pasal sape. Tanak malukan kunun. Di bawah adalah cuntuh.

seeebagai contoh.

Hah dah kutuk bukan main rangup meletup2 tapi bila diajak berkonfrontasi takmaw plak. Terus kecut balik. Sooo… jangan la jadi bodoh. Gaduh2 kat facebook bukan dapat apa pon? Menang hangus kalah renting gak. Membazir masa dan tenaga emosi serta daya kreativiti je. Ye la, nak reka ayat yang baek punye bagi budak tu terasa tapi taknak kantoi sangat. Kan kena kreatif tu. Hahaha :D kalau ada masalah, jumpa la secara berdepan. Boleh selesai. Dari update status pastu tunggu bertaun orang tu nak balas balik. Sampai aku ada cucu tak habis gamaknya.

                

Next: Tags. Tagging is the single most misused power on facebook. many are not aware that with great tagging power, comes great tagging responsibility. Some people get annoyed when people tag ugly pictures of them. Aku takkan cite pasal tu sebab aku tak kisah pun. How you look in pictures is how you look in real life. Deal with it. Aku nak cite pasal tagging dari segi lain. Status updates, applications dan sebagainya. Ada yang post status pasal tah pape, pastu tag sekali nama aku. Walhal status itu tidak berkaitan langsung dengan aku. Kalau ada memang benda itu ada kena mengena atau menarik aku boleh aje. Pastu yang kaki guna apps bodoh kat fb yang secara automatic akan tag aku kat gambar2 dia. Contohnya, ‘Siapa teman terbaik anda?’ ‘Top stalkers’ ‘Bila anda akan berkahwin?’ ‘Siapakah watak anda dalam majalah Mastika?’. Semak la! Ok tu je, nothing much to say bout this anyway.

                Facebook gamers. I will summarize this topic into # sentences.

NO THANK YOU

                I don’t give a fuck about your menu on restaurant city

                I give zero shit about your empire being attacked in Empires & Allies

                I would NOT like you as my neighbor in Sim Social

                I couldn’t care less that your crops are withering on Farmville

                I would kill myself before I give you chips in Texas Hold’em Poker

So please fucking stop sending me invites!!

Sooo, that is, I think, about all for now. And yes, aku tahu, hak individu. Aku saja je nak merepek untuk melepaskan apa yang terbuku di dada. Perkara2 di atas akan tetap berlaku. *long sigh*

disclaimers: terasa? not my problem. 

*all pictures courtesy of google images and 9gag

**memang ada kena mengena dengan yang hidup

'What You Need To Know Before Getting an iPhone' for Malaysian Dummies

before you proceed, know that this post was written in angst. why? because some people are idiots who keep giving away their hard-earned money to liars and cheaters. this angers me. this post was written with the objective of educating those idiots. if they ever get to read it anyways. you shall pass. 




so....if you're here and reading this, i can deduce that you fall into one of the below categories

1. iphone owner
2. iphone hater
3. interested in acquiring an iphone
4. android owner
5. just plain fucking bored. 

love it. hate it. adore it. loathe it. the iphone is without doubt the most advanced smartphone on the planet. at least one for consumer use. anyways, this post is not about flaming android or bb fanboys. let's move on

so the story begins when handsome old me went to acompany my friend to get le new iphone 4s at the Mines. hes already got a Samsung S2 but wants to get the 4s. why? because it's better, that's why. soo.. knowing nothing about the iphone, he decided to consult the expert, which is where i come in. LOL. 

i'm not gonna tell you what we did every step of the way because that's the Twitter junkies and Facebook 'hotties' job. I'll just get right down to the point. here's my observation. 

1. outside shops (those not associated with telcos; Digi, Maxis etc, sell at a higher price. not that much higher. but enough to make you cringe. from what i remember: the 4s 16gb costs rm2.5k from outside shops compared to rm2.1k with Digi and Maxis. 

2. Telcos sell the phone at a lower price. My theory? being retail shops owned by the big boys, they can't exactly set ther harga sukahati. but shopkeepers, being shopkeepers (i was gonna say Chinese but that would be racist would it not?) would want to MAXIMIZE profits. no no not the telcos profit. their own personal profit. how do they do it? they will charge you for all the stupid things like Jailbreaking, the oh-so-fancy bumper case, and the so-called-antivirus. 

so how does this work? okay, the actual money that goes to the telco is only the 2.1k you pay for the phone. the rest; jailbreaking and whatever 'extras' they give you goes into their own pockets. for example, my friend paid a grand total of rm3k for the phone plus 'goodies'. 

so you might be thinking : so what the fuck is wrong? they got to earn a living as well. 
let me tell you whats wrong. whats wrong is that so many idiots fail to actually do some stupidly simple research before actually buying something that sets them back a few thousand. i mean, how stupid are you my fellow people? if you actually bothered to do some research, you would inevitably discover that, Jailbreaking is FREE and that there are no such things such as iPhone viruses. 

jailbreaking an iphone is no rocket science. you dont even have to know any programming or hacking. a group of people dedicated to exploiting loopholes in the iphone OS do it all for you and create the software and you only need to download. and..they don't charge anything for it. it's totally free! you can donate to them if you want, but donate or not, you can still download their stuff. i've heard of idiots in Malaysia paying from rm50 to rm300 for jailbreak. i mean, seriously? you charge people 300 bucks for something you got for free!? talk about untung atas angin. 

next, Antivirus? for the iPhone? what a bunch of bullcrap. so i asked the dude, what antivirus? he proceeded to sput some bullshit about how he was gonna change the ICCID of the phone so it wont hang and bla bla bla.. wanna know what the ICCID is? me dunno. what i do know is that it has nothing to do with the phone hanging. it's the sim serial number or something. try taking out your sim and the ICCID changes to 'NO SIM'. for god's sake, even my 3gs doesn't hang. and you're saying the 4s needs an antivirus to prevent hanging? this dude was gonna charge 70bucks for it. this is even worse than jailbreaking. he charges rm70 for doing absolutely nothing. and, sigh, lots of people still fall for it.

 so if you're planning on getting an iphone. i believe there are 4 models still out in the market (used/new) the 3g, 3gs, 4 ,4s. i would strongly advise against buying the 3g. (just in case you come across it in mudah.my or anything). the 3g came out sometime in 2007 -2008 (not sure) so if you do get one, it'll be really old. that plus the fact that it's really slow. much too slow to do anything. you tap today, the phone responds tomorrow. lol

3g / 3gs

the 3gs is similar in shape to the 3g. but it has an improved processor. needless to say, it''s fast(er). the camera is nothing to be proud of (3mp tops) but it does its job well. i've been using the 3gs for almost two years and i'm quite happy with it. you could get one (used, of course) for around rm1000 max. anything more and theyre overcharging you. 

the i4 sports a new shape. sleeker. squarer. same processor. better camera. led flash. and the high-res screen. they say, it has a higher res than the human eye. so they say. there should be tons of 14's in the market now that the 4s is out. max i'd be willing to pay for an i4 is rm1.5k. anything more than that and you should just get a brand new 4s. 

4/ 4s

the 4s is the latest addition to the family. identical in appearance to the i4. changes in some parts. better camera. (way better). the first in the family to use the A5 processor. has SIRI (your very own personal assistant). 

imo, if you're thinking of getting an iphone 4s, remember that it is exactly the same as the i4 except for a bette camera and SIRI. so if you dont really take pictures and wont talk to SIRI i sugeest getting the i4. or if you're low on budget or just want an iphone, try searching for a 3gs. whatever you do, please dont get a 3g. you'll regret it for the rest of your young life. 

OR, we could all wait for the iphone5. since Apple seems to be dishing out new model every 10 to 12 months, waiting wont be such a pain. 

fan concept.

oh an another thing i forgot to mention. i phone repairs. yeah we've all had that, cracked screen. broken home button. bla bla bla. let me remind you that the iphone is assembled in China. it says so right on the back of the damn phones. sooo... ALL iphone components come from China. except the motherboard. not so sure. anyways, all these people that repair iphones get their parts from China for dirt-cheap prices. and how much do they charge for repairs? A FUCKING FORTUNE. that's how much. a simple home flex button replacement could set you back 100 bucks. how much does the home flex button cost? not even rm5. and these people buy in bulk, which makes the thingy even cheaper. how do i know? unlike some people, i do my research. a while back, i shattered the screen. so i googled the parts. the pric was rather shocking. cos it was sooo cheap. but it all came from china of course. in the end, i found a dude who would repair it at a cheap price. changing the screen and battery with him only set me back rm200. 

the price of the iphone itself makes it rather daunting but if you know your way around, the internal workings of the iphone is the damn simplest thing. if you know how to use a screwdriver, you can change anything by yourself. provided you have the parts you wanna replace. don't believe me? go on youtube and search for "how to change iphone battery" or "how to replace iphone screen" for example. you'll see how simple it is. if i had the money and market, i'd set up my own business repairing the iphone at a cheap price. 

so.. finally, tips!

1. if you want to get an iphone. just the phone without telco contract or anything, i strongly suggest you get it from apple directly. you gice them your credit card they ship you your phone. no middle man, no added charges. 

2. if you doo get the phone from local vendors, they'll sweet talk you into giving them even more money for jailbreaking, antivirus bla bla bla services. they'll say like, kalau jailbreak ada sekali pakej you dapat housing ni free. well tell them one thing. FUCK OFF! the amount you pay for the jailbreak is already triple the price of the damn housing. you go back home and you do it yourself. or find a friend who knows how to do it. i've jailbroken tonnes of my friends phones and i dont charge one single cent. another thing they might tell you is "kalau you jailbreak sendiri kami tak bagi warranty. kalau rosak tak bole tukar" well tell them again FUCK YOU. because they do the exact same thing even if they jailbreak it. when jailbreaking, if you run into any problems, just restore the phone and no one will ever be able to tell whether it's been jailbroken. even Apple cant tell if their users have jailbroken their phones after restore. ini kan pulak kau. 

NO! i dont want your fucking jailbreak

3. even if you do decide to have them jailbreak for you. DON'T! JUST DON'T!! after that they'll just fill you phone with stupid junk you dont even need and dont even know how to use. that's just the thing, they charge you like crazy, then don't even teach you the basics you need to know. after i jailbreak my friends phones, i teach them at least the very basics. where to download apps. where to get tweaks. how to sync with itunes among others. 


4. if you are STUPID OR DUMB, please refrain from using the iphone. i have experience of noobs constantly coming back to me whining about some shit thing they can't do on their phones. can't download games boo hoo hoo! can't register for itunes boo hooo hoo! i can't help you everytime you noob piece of shit go figure it out. Google ada apa guna? its free damnit! of course vendors would be happy to help you. for a price. yes, vendors will charge you for every little problem you bring to them. they'll make up some shit story about the 'seriousness' of the problem and squezee you wallet dry. that is why i kindly ask people of the above category to refrain from using the iphone. it's for your own good!


so as a conclusion, there is no conclusion -_- i purposely wrote this almost fully english. if you don/t understand what i've been rambling about and have absolutely no idea what this post is about, the iPhone is definitely not for you. maybe the Galaxy S2 would be a better choice. goodluck with/buying your iPhones :) and tell your friends who are thinking of buying iphones to read this shit so they don't get squeezed dry of every. single. cent. 




disclaimer: 1)facts regarding pricing in the above post may be incorrect or outdated. i shall accept no responsibility for mistakes arising from your own mistake of taking my facts as-is. do your research people. seriously, it's the age of the internet. 2)honest businesspeople DO exist. but you'd have better luck of finding Hogwarts.

35 Cara Buat Awek Happy Sokmo -__-

               ok a few weeks back aku terjumpa artikel ni dalam majalah apa entah. remaja ke jejaka ke or something like that lah. tajuk dia 35 CARA BUAT TEMAN WANITA KAMU GEMBIRA!

terdetik la dalam hati aku, wow tajuk mengancam,!, dan disebabkan aku ni pon agak fail bab2 romantis puitis jiwangis ni, aku pun usha la. sweet kan aku? tak? pape la.

               anyways, aku selak2 baca2 blom sempat sampai tips #1 aku da tergelak. why? tgk kat bawah ni. 

AMAT MUDAH UNTUK MENGGEMBIRAKAN HATI KEKASIH KESAYANGAN KAMU. SEBAGAI SEORANG LELAKI, KAMU HANYA PERLU MENJADI SEORANG : kawanbaikpenemansepanjanghayatpencintayangsetiaabangyangmelindungibersikapsepertibapanya dan macam-macam lagi.

seriously? bagi aku bukan apa tapi pilihan/susunan ayat dia je yang buat kelakar. 'amat mudah'? hanya perlu menjadi 'seorang'? ni dah bukan seorang, ni dah berorang-orang.

dan kalau kite perhatikan, tak cukup 35,ada pulak kolum-kolum di tepi ni, hah amek kau. 'tanpa perlu melupakan', maksudnya tak boleh lupe lah. pada masa yang sama, kamu perlu, maksudnya, pada masa yang sama korang perlu.

'namun paling penting jangan sesekali lupa' so maksudnya yang lain-lain ni semua tak berapa penting la yeah?

               maka marilah kite tgk sikit apa sebenarnya tips2 genius yang disediakan ni. guys boleh la amek rujukan, senang nak 'menggembirakan hati kekasih kesayangan kamu'. kekasih yang kurang disayangi abaikan je yang penting kekasih kesayangan happy :)

1. kawan baik. this is so common sense. kite kena faham die, always be someone she can talk to, always there for her and bla bla bla. bagi yang tak faham nie jangan tanya aku sebab aku pon tak faham,

   sebab definisi best friend bg laki dan pompuan adalah berbeze. rasanya la -__- bagi aku, aweks and kawan. berbeza. asing.

2. peneman sepanjang hayat. LULz. peneman SEPANJANG HaYat!!? macam mana aku nak jadi peneman sepanjang hayat? bukan maksudnya aku tak nak. i mean, cmne aku nak deliberately jadi peneman sepanjang hayat kepada gf aku?

   i mean, mcm mana nak taw pada masa akan datang tiada pertelingkahan? pergaduhan? takde lagi persefahaman? kematian? kita tak boleh ramal semua tu. yang paling boleh aku buat pun cakap je la kat awek akan teman die sepanjang hayat. kalau sweet skit janji. kalau jiwang habes sumpah

   tapi kalau dah sumpah ada persoalan baru yg menarik plak. teman sepanjang hayat, hayat sapa? hayat ko ke awek ko? kalau kau jalan dulu mcm mana plak citenye? jadi hantu teman die sampai die plak jalan? oooh creeepy. keliwon sial. kalau awek ko plak yg jalan dulu? ko nak teman die dalam kubo?  LULz. ok dah merepek dah nie

3. pencinta yang setia. ni benda paling basic!! so seriously la. perlu ke letak. masa aku selak muke depan aku ingat die nak bagi tip2 "bernas". benda yang aku tak taw la.

   setakat bnda yang sume orang taw dr, fadzilah kamsah pon boleh.

4. abang yang melindungi. hehe kelakar aku dengar ayat ni. balak memang la akan melindungi kekasih hatinya so tak perlu la nak naik pangkat jadi 'abang' plak kot. kang ada plak spesis gadis2 yang ada abag 'overprotective' ke apa ke, ko pon nak tumpang sekaki jadi 'abang yang melindungi kang' naya je. 

5. bersikap seperti bapanya. SUMPAH TIPU. i assume bile die cakap 'bersikap seperti bapanya' yang die nak sampaikan sebenarnya adalah' bersikap seperti seorang bapa kepadanya'

   sebab kalau die nak literally bersikap seperti bapanya maksudnyaaa....kena sikap seperti bapanya la. bapanya suka bg duit shopping ko pon kena ikut. bapanya merokok ko pon kena ikut. bapanya panas baran ko pon kena ikut.

   haha, kalau bersikap seperti seorang bapa kepadanya logik sikit! maksudnya ko kena prangai cam bapak2 sikit la. tapi kenapa aku cakap tipu? okay so sikap kebapaan ni atau paternal la kata omputeh nya lebeh menjurus kepada protectiveness.

   orang laki ni memang semulajadi pelindung kepada keluarga dia. tu la bapak2 nie, anak nak kua lewat skit TAK BOLEH! nak seksi meksi sikit TAK BOLEH! nak pergi trip jauh skit TAK BOLEH! kenapa? kenapa? sebab bapak risau pape kecelakaan menimpa kau la celaka! ngehehehe

   so kadang2 rasa terkongkong ye tak? so kalau balak kau pon perangai mcm bapak kau mesti kau menyirap. kekeke. sekian pasal isu bapak. oops disclaimer: bukan semua bapa bersikap cengginie. ada yang tak protective sangat. tapi percayalah dalam hati beliau sentiasa risau resah gelisah dan mcm2 lagi lah

6. ketua yang bertoleransi. apa ni? what the fish? ketua dari segi apa? aku assume kalau dalam perkapelan, ketua tu maksudnya ko kena jadi tukang buat keputusan la. so maksudnya si jantan selaku ketua kena kelua memburu, serang kampung musuh, cari gua yang sesuai eh, ni kalau zaman batu dulu la.

   kalau zaman internet nie, jejanz kena buat keputusan nak keluar dating pergi mana, shopping kat mana, hari ni nak sedondon baju warna apa dan sebagainya. tapi COP! kena jadi ketua yang bertoleransi. so ertinya, ko kena denga jugak pandangan kekasih pujangga hati ekau.

   so misal kata (misal kata? kekeke klasik gila ayat) kau selaku lelaki dan ketua ajak pergi errrr...klcc (aku tak taw org skg dating ke mana) tapi si bunga tak maw. dia nak ke errr.... mid valley (zaman aku dating dulu 2 tmpt tu je la). si lelaki selaku ketua dah buat keputusan, tapi menurut guide nie, die kena jadi ketua yg bertoleransi

   so die kena dengar cakap si bunga dan ke Mid(Valley). kalau menurut pemerhatian aku (kalau sala boleh btolkan), perempuan ni selalunya dia dah tahu dai mahu ke mana. dan dia memang mahu ke sana. so bullshit la kalau keluar dengan awek berlaku perbualan begini

   guy: hye sayang cantiknya awak harini bau pun wangi mesti baru lepas mandi so kite nak pergi mana?

   girl: i taw i memang cantik thnx puji nak pergi mana? ikot you la

   guy: okay, jom kite pergi klcc tgk cerita Transexual 3 : dark of the alley

   girl: tapi dekat Shopping Mall Terkini ada sale Rahsia Victoria 97%

   guy: so you nak pergi Shopping Mall Terkini la?

   girl: tak kisah ikut you la

   guy: kita tengok wayang la, i teringin tgk cerita tu

   girl: alaaaa, tapi jom la pergi Shopping Mall Terkini, ada sale!

   guy: ye la jom la

   tak tahu? tak kisah? ikut you? ini semua ayat bullshit je. haha. okay disclaimer: bukan semua perempuan macam ni, ni hanya dari cerita kawan2 lelaki dan (kadang2) pengalaman sendiri. ada seorang teman baik aku cakap, women don't know what they want. okay opinion aku adalah, in terms of emotion maybe (certain) women don't know what they want. the physical stuff?

7. Chef yang pandai memasak. hahaha LOL, that's your job! 

8. Juruteknik yang handal. 


9. Tukang baiki kasut-kasutnya. wtf!? this pic down here tells you exactly how i feel bout that

10.pembetul paip di rumahnya. kekekeke da makin merepek la plak. ok la so dari kalangan lelaki2 biasa kat Msia ni, berapa orang la sangat yang reti repair paip. dan dari segelintir yang tahu tu, berapa la sangat yang sanggup repair paip untuk awek yang tercinta sekalipun. cinta, cinta gak, kalau paip tu dah berbulan tersumbat, bau pun dah dasyat...cinta pon boleh tergugat -_-

11. mekanik kereta di saat keretanya rosak. hee hee. okay, ni senang sikit dari paip busuk. tapi ini pun, lazimnya setakat tukar tayar pancit, jump start kereta, tukar bateri, atau push-start, rasanya majoriti pemandu lelaki taw. tapi kalau benda lain yang rosak kat kete aweks, jejanz semua akan bukak bonet and tengok kat enjin smbil buat muke tekun/fokus/kool. konon2 faham la apa tengah berlaku kat enjin tu. tengok minyak hitam la, check air la, ketuk2 bateri la. konon, cakap je kat awek ko tak taw apa rosak kan senang. hehe

12.penghias rumahnya. you gotta be kidding. rumah akuy sendiri pun tak berhias ni kan pulak nak hias rumah ko? how many guys actually even decorate their own houses? lol, kalau pompuan suke decoration stokin, baju n seluar bersepah2 happy la kot kalau harapkan lelaki yang decorate rumah -_-

13.penggaya fesyennya. hehehe. no komen. pandai2 la korang

14.tukang urut kakinya yang lenguh. daaaaamn youuu....! apakah semua ini!! okay i admit its really sweet for a guy to urut his chicks feet when theyre sore, but i'm under the impression that whenever the girls feet are sore, then so are the guys'.

sedaaaaaaappp

15.pakar psikologi. so kena jadi PAKAR psiko plak?

16.pakar psikiatri tatkala dia murung. dah la kena pakar psiko, psikiatri pun sama gak? ini sudah lebih.

17.pelega perasaaannya. lega mcm mana tuh? -__-

18.pendengar yang baik. i do believe that most guys are good listeners. seriously. lelaki kadang2 walaupun die nampak macam tak berapa nak fokus tapi dia dengar gak apa yang aweks sedang cerita@bebel. but guys cant be good listeners ALL the time. don't expect guys to be good listeners when they're hanging out with BROs or when theyre gaming. simple. i dont get why some girls dont get this.

19.perancang acara yang hebat. bodo la artikel ni, gelak besar aku tengah malam buta ni. perancang acara? event organizer? acara apa sebenanrnya? aaaargg apa nie!! konfius gilee -___-"

20.bapa mithali. errrr...belum kahwin macam mana nak tahu orang itu bapa mithali ke tak?

21.pembersih. ok fine. yang ni logik.

22.simpati terhadap orang lain. apa kena mengena simpati terhadap orang lain dengan buat teman wanita gembira? kalau aku kesian kat orang buta mintak seekah tu aku bagi singgit, awek aku akan gembira sehingga melonjak keriangan? -__- rasanya tak kot

23.atlet yang gagah. ini adalah suatu diskriminasi! dah la kena atlet. atlet yang gagah pulak tu -__-

24.pelindung di kala dia dikacau. common sense. tapi tengok gak. kalau orang yang kacau jantan mana yang tak melindung. tapi kalau momok yang kacau err.... kadang2 jantan yang cabut dulu

25.konsultan di saat si dia memerlukan nasihat. konsultan pulaaaaak. ni macam sama je dengan psiko n psikik kat atas sana. dan persoalannya si gadis nak sangat ke ikut nasihat si jantanz @.@

26.bijaksana. lalalalalalaalalal no komen

27.pelawak yang kelakar. semua lelaki boleh la menonton maharaja lawak untuk menjadi pelawak yang kelakar supaya teman wanita anda gembira sentiasa -_-

28.bercita-cita tinggi. kalau cita2 kau setakat nak jaga tandas kat the mall tu, tak gembira la awek ko nmpaknya. kalau awek kau takde cita2 takpe, yg penting cita2 ko kena tinggi

29.kreatif. kreatif macam mana tu? -__- tak kisah la macam mana pun, ada banyak cara kreatif untuk gembirakan awek masing2

30.sangat memahami. perasan tak? SANGAT memahami. memahami je tak boleh taw, kena SANGAT memahami. hahaha. kalau awek kau pyed, kau kena SANGAT faham kenapa die bad mood. kalau dia tengah sedih sebab Shahir AF tak menang AJL kau kena SANGAT faham yang ko tak hensem macam Shahir. Kalau die saja2 rasa nak maki kau, kau kena SANGAT faham yang dia saja je nak maki kau -_-

31.kuat dah gagah. ............................... (maksudnya lu orang pikir la sendiri)

32.benar. benar apa? benar-benar kuat dan gagah? kekekeke

33.boleh diharap. no komen. tapi tengok jugak la apa yang diharapkan tu -__-

34.bersemangat. ni memang la. sape nak balak yang tak bermaya muram suram kusam tanpa tenaga je oi -__-

35.multitaksing. ni maksudnya boleh buat bnyk benda pada satu masa. contohnya, boleh urut kaki dia sambil melegakan perasaan dia sambil mendengar rintihan die sambil membetulkan paip kat rumah dia.  ataupun, masak dinner untuk dia smbil repair kasut2 dia smbil tukar tayar pancit kereta dia smbil buat lawak kat dia sambil melindung dia dari lipas -__-

               hah kau tengok berapa banyak benda dia nak tu. i mean, we are guys not gods. tinggi gila expectation untuk menggembirakan teman wanita. kalau betul la semua ni, no wonder la ramai laki mengalami depression, atau jadi gay. LULz.

        obviously, semua ni hanya lah ciri2 yang ada pada lelaki yang HANYA wujud dalam fantasi liar si penulis artikel ini. phew selamat! :D

eh tak habis lagi!! ada lagi guys, korang kena buat semua benda di atas TANPA PERLU MELUPAKAN

1. pujian buat si dia setiap hari. setiap hari kena puji dia. kalau dah habis puji atau dah takde pape untuk dipuji, tipu je la. asalkan pujian. 'eh mata you bulat sikit' eh you cerah sikit' eh you banyak cakap sikit' ke apa ke, ikut kreativiti masing2. rujuk no 29 di atas

2. ucapan good night dan sweet dream setiap malam. setiap malam kena ucap taw! kalau tak ucap esoknya konfem perang. entah kenapa entah pompuan amek berat btol kat goodnight nie. kata la satu malam ko kena langgar kete cedera parah, sebelum pengsan ko WAJIB text die cakap goodnight kalau tak, nescaya dia akan emosi dan tacing gile babb dan takkan melawat ko kat spital

3. jujur lagi bercakap benar. fail la BM penulis nie. takkan la jujur tapi bercakap dusta. atau bercakap benar tapi menipu. die ni nmpak sangat da takde idea nak tulis apa so apa pun die taram. sape nak balak yang menipu dan berkata dusta bongok?

4. yang ni best HARTA DAN DUIT YANG BERTIMBUN-TIMBUN best kan? best tak? hah da capital bold italic underline sume aku bubuh untuk stresskan betapa bestnya point tu. so guys, janganlah me'lupa'kan harta dan duit yang bertimbun-timbun ye. ye la 'semua orang' ada harta dan duit yang bertimbun-timbun kan? -__-

Abang KAYA!

5. jangan menjeling ke arah perempuan lain apabila bersamanya. aku rasa perlu ada pembetulan kat sini. patutnya berbunyi begini, 'jangan kantoi usha perempuan lain apabila bersamanya' bullshit la jantan nak cakap die tak usha pompuan lain langsung. it's a guy's second nature. soalnya kantoi tak kantoi je. yang tak kantoi tu awek die pun fikir 'omg my bf so sweet, he vever looks at other gals.' WRONG! die cume tak kantoi je doesnt mean he never...peeps at that juicy ass :)

6. memimpin tangannya ketika melintas jalan. awww, korang kan dah besar? nak pimpin2 apa lagi. sigh..

dan ada lagi, PADA MASA YANG SAMA, KAMU PERLU

1. berikan dia sepenuh perhatian tanpa mengharapkan balasan. hehehehe. girls macam mana nak taw balak korang tu mengharapkan balasan ke tak -__- and guys, this basically means, you need to give the girls everything, they dont have to give you anything. fair isn't it :)

2. berikan si dia masa untuk dirinya sendiri tanpa mengongkong dirinya. fuck no! kalau bagi gf masa, macam mana nak laksanakan 35 + 6 + 1 perkara kat atas ni!!?

3. berikan dia ruang tanpa perlu risau ke mana dia pergi. mana boleh!!! kalau dia pergi mana2 tanpa bf, mcm mana nak lindung dia kala dia dikacau? cmne nak pimpin tangan die lintas jalan? kang heels tercabut sape nak gam balik? -__-"

setelah melakukan semua di atas bagus la NAMUN PALING PENTING ADALAH (note: aku tak rasa ni paling penting, aku rasa ini SAHAJA la yang penting. sila abaikan 35 + 6 + 3 perkara di atas.)

JANGAN LUPA

1. tarikh harijadinya. gadis2 sangat menitik beratkan bukan sahaja hari jadi, tapi segala hari yang signifikan dalam hidup mereka. semua kena ingat. semua kena wish. baik bday, ulang tahun, ulang bulan, ulang hari, hari die dapat kereta, hari anak kucing dia lahir la apa la semua kena ingat semua kena celbrate. faham guys? kalau lupa, alamatnya perang la. pujuk la ko sampai lebam. guys jarang plak jmpa yang tacing kalau orang blupe bday dia, kadang2 dia sendiri lupe bday die. kalau ada yang emo tu, bukan guys tapi sissy.

2. tarikh ulang tahun. seperti di atas.

3. rancangan yang telah dia *something* untuk meraikan hubungan *something*. rasanya ni nak kata apa yag dia dah buat untuk celebrate la. kot. pada pendapat peribadi aku, takkan nak kena ingat dan appreciate apa yg gf dah buat untuk celebrate sahaja? kite kena appreciate everything. kadang2 benda tu halus kite tak perasan, ni bukan untuk guys je, girls pun kena amek perhatian. contoh2nya korg pikir la sendiri, malasz da nie -__-

so apa kesimpulan yang kita dapat dari semua nie? kesimpulan aku sendiri la

1. penulis rencana majalah ni, majalah apa ntah lupa dah, sangat bongok dan noob serta ntah pape. seriously, hantar la dia pergi kursus ke apa kee.

2. ada perkara dari di atas yang boleh dipraktikkan, tetapi kebanyakannya adalah bullshit! seperti yang aku sebut, semua tu adalah fantasi si penulis je. nak laki gagah hensem kaya berharta memahami pendengar yang baik tak intai pompuan lain BANYAK cantik kau. kau pergi cari Edward Cullen je la. Lulz

3. mungkin jugak aku salah, sape ada kenal jejanz yang memenuhi kesemua ciri2 di atas, perkenalkanla pada saya :)

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